Monday, 14 February 2011

Unit 4- Fourth and possibly final script

This is the last time I rewrite the script, I think that apart from a minor tweaks this is going to be the final run.

The story is essentially the same, just cut up ala Tarrantino. Dialogue is nearly non existant, what is there will mostly sound muffled/underwater. Only two or three lines are clear, because they are key to the story.

This version seems to work and its a whole bunch shorter;3 pages, instead of between 6 and 8.

[Edited it again... added dialogue to the last section in the office. Also need to break it into three acts properly, but I'll do that shortly]
So here it be:
Unit 4 Fourth Draft


  1. Interim Online Review 15/02/2011

    Hey Ollie,

    The good news is that, post-Reservoir Dogs, your script has bags of potential - and I love the opening/closing scenes - and I'm a sucker for the miserable salesman trope; salesmen are so wonderfully tragic. I like the idea of the superglue salesman, and I also like the reveal of the boss and the salesman wife - ouch! But what I don't like - because it's largely irrelevant currently - is the circus. You have an arbitrary clown - and the only real function of the circus in plot terms, is that it reveals the wife's affair. It's going to have to work harder than that for you. I do have an idea though. How about you use the circus as a dream sequence to show the salesman's humiliation and plummeting self-esteem? For example, after he see's his wife and boss leaving a restaurant together, he imagines the whole world is laughing at him - and the scene dissolves into a circus ring, when the salesman is now dressed as a clown (his costume in the same colours as the superglue brand or similar) and the audience is laughing at him - and it can be everyone from his wife and boss, to all the people who have slammed their doors in his face? In this way, the circus setting is actually telling us something about the lead-up to his decision to kill himself. Oh - and about that, it seems as if you're missing a further irony if you don't have the salesman using the superglue to stick himself to the thing that pulls him into the water.

    for that circus feeling, check out this great performance from Chicago - Mr Cellophane.

    Also, you need to think about a very clear time period/setting for this piece; it's just crying out '1950's' small town America to me...

  2. ... where's your essay into, Ollie? You - especially you - need to get this aspect of your creative work up and out as soon as possible. I expect to see something on here '@Phil' sooner rather than later.

  3. Yeah I got a little caught up yesterday. valentines etc, I am thinking of essays and I will aim to crank them all out this week if I can